Public transport is never usually a pleasant experience, as any British bovine worth their salted butter will tell you.

In England it rarely turns up. On American subways (if the movies are accurate) you either get mugged or have to dodge bullets in slow motion.

Worse still you might end up having to talk to tramp or Keenau Reeves. You couldnt even call for help as his monotone voice hammered at your skull because people keep using bloody phone booths as some kind of tele-transportation device.

Failing that they just pee in them and use them as ashtrays.

However, no matter which country you visit there is a problem with the infastructure that is guaranteed to shave valuable seconds off your commuting experience.

Old people.

Old people who have no business being in public at peak times. They have all day. They dont work. They dont have anything urgent to do, no appointments to keep to, no 35 page reports to hand in, no rent or mortgages to worry about paying as most of them are on some kind of frigging benefit.

Yet they insist on doddering about on public transport during rush hour.

Yesterday morning I was on a tram. You have to do the polite thing and offer them your seat or they waft smells in your direction. Despite the fact that there were several perfectly serviceable seats near the entrance of the tram they insist on staggering half way down the carriage, usually as the tram starts to move again.

They clutch and claw at the railings wheeling about trying to keep their balance before eventually coming to stand near me.

I have to then get up, give them my seat, walk up the tram to the perfectly good empty seat right by where they came in.

It is completely irresponsible. They could break their hip if they fell over and who would have to pay for that then?

Not them.

I had to change seats three times yesterday. Although Id like you to note that I never give up my seat if they dye their hair a ridiculous colour in an attempt to look younger. If they want to look younger they can jolly well act it too and stand up like everyone else.

I work to support them. Im tired.

If they have grey hair, a blue rinse or a funky floral print dress circa 1962 it is slightly more bearable.

However lack of seats is only part of the cancer that is old people.

I have been known to nearly miss trams/trains because they take so long to shift their rotting carcass up the stairs.

WHY?

Why cant they just use transport at some other time of day. I did once hear of a chap in London who started a campaign to get the elderly off the streets at peak times. He had a lot of support.

Just imagine no queing at supermarkets just so Ethel can purchase her measily can of pea soup at 5.30pm and chat to the shop assistant because she has nobody to talk to. No more missing green lights because Arthur is too blind to drive and crawls up to the junction at 2 mph. No more jams on public transport. No more giving up your seat just so they can stagger down a carriage, fall over and waste MY tax money.

Support the campaign.

Curfews for geriatrics.

Old people on public transport can be hazardous to your health.

An illustration of this is an experience I had several years ago in Eastern Europe. An old lady got on the tram with her little stupid handbag sized dog in the way described above. She ignored several empty seats and was even irresponsible enough to nearly hurt herself.

Several times she staggered up and down the practically empty carriage, almost falling every time the tram started or stopped.

Eventually she sat down only to find it was nearly time for her to get off and had to stand up and repeat the whole process again.

Whilst doddering, her little skippy handbag dog stepped off the tram. The tram doors closed and the tram started to move with the handbag still firmly collared to the piece of string attached to the stupid pensioners hand.

The tram gathered speed with the pensioner and her handbag on opposite sides of the door.

The old woman screamed. I tried to make her let go of the string.

She still screamed (although micraculously she had recovered her sense of balance which leads me to believe that doddering was all part of an act to pick up state benefit).

Still she would not let go.

The dog could not out run tram.

I pushed the emergency stop button. She staggered out. The dog was still alive I hope it was okay. She, however, should be banned from using trams or keeping company of any sort.

Old people on public transport endanger lives.

Support the campaign.

Curfews for geriatrics.